Do not let out a sigh, do not let out your emotions.
When tears welled up, looked into the sky.
Try your best, try it hard, prevent any tear from falling down.
As... As a single tear drop, will reveal all your weakness and drown you with the secrets you had hide - be it from you or others.
.Friday, August 29, 2008 ' 7:44 AM Y
A big sorry to my dearest friend Ft! There are a lots of things you never know. Or things i never ever dare to say with a lot of fears. I never thought you would come here! Though it is never an excuse to it. Sometimes i am really tired the other times how i wish you are there for me. What is your feeling after reading or the things i have kept? There are more of such. To everyone, to anyone, i kept my mouth to. I do not wish to hurt people. Especially people i really like. Though sometimes i will let out a bit. This is a letter to you. Since people who visit my blog isn't people i know other than you and him i think this is an OK idea?
Really i like to assume things. People say i should just speak my mind out and tell you how i felt. Yet what if you think i am very troublesome and do not want to be my friend? Maybe this is a "当局者迷"type of things.
Take the party for instance, if you never read, i never ask, i will take it as i ruined your day. Bh said he thinks you will not be happy if i did not attend; maybe others will. I think otherwise. Wendell said i should confirm with you, let you know about what i feel. I think i should not.
I am glad that you said you are feeling fine now! Really i do. I feel so bad knowing you read my blog. Perhaps because i wanted to write really personal feelings so i chose not to let others know my blog. Yet i am happy. Happy and thankful you read my blog! I read your blog often too!
Though sometimes when i am alone, i feel like no one is my friend. However to be really frank, when you are there i feel so nice. I mean at least i speak all my thoughts out? Even things i planned not to say. Lol. OK. We went out topic rather often too. However the reasons is you know a lot about me.
Lastly. I am still very sorry about hurting you. SORRY! Meet you tomorrow then!
i want to let you know i do laugh from the bottom of my heart
so true... i believe there are things you hide from me too ^^
Life is all about this...
I do know now...
Bye...
Time : 11.25 p.m Date : 29-8-08
.Thursday, August 28, 2008 ' 11:32 PM Y
Yeah... My friend said that my blog post is so so boring! (sad) It is because i told him everything. So maybe i will just say things he does not know now? OK. That is my plan now.
Yesterday before going to the badminton game, the few of us (Willy, Fuk Kin, Bohan, Foong Ting and I went to queenstown) I talked to Ft. She said she feels that i am hiding myself to everyone. Though i do not think so, i accepted to her comment. Perhaps i am.
Life. Sigh.. Life is a food. Th ingredient to this food is happiness, sadness etc... For me i think i had added in too much of bitter gourd... So i am always feeling sad? Really. I do not know who my friends are anymore. Certainly, i really wants to believe Ft is my best friend but sometimes i have to doubt it. She will ignore me whenever she is with her friends. Just like what Meng Ci did. I asked Meng Ci why she will ignore me when she is with her sec 4 friends before. She replied "I have no choice. If i don't ignore them, in sec 4D I'll be lonely since Jie Min is the only girl, other than me in the class" Now i would not ask the same question to anyone, anymore. As i know, all i will get is lies and moreover, i fear they will only be acting to be good to me. I rather, life will remains the same as it is. Though i might be hurt more, i might be furthermore ignored to show how unwelcome i might be, than knowing the truth - how unimportant i really is to them.
bye.
. ' 10:49 PM Y
God... I am sick... I hate it! I even claimed, in front of my friends that i am the healthiest among them all! Yet i ended up ... sick! Stupid! My throat is hurting me...
On 27-8-08, it was raining after we had our English paper. We had had not enough umbrella to use hence we waited for quite sometime and managed to borrow an umbrella. However Zy did not brought along an umbrella that day hence Ft lend her umbrella to him. I agreed to it. Therefore Ft and i went into the rain without any umbrella. I claimed that i am the healthiest! Yet the next day, which is yesterday, i was sick, with fever.
We had practical test yesterday. I think i did fairly OK. Though with a lot of mistakes here and there but i was not very sad. Maybe because i know how to do?
Was talking to my friend about Meng Ci issues. OK. To begin with, i do not think i trust her. I knew it from last year that she is not worth my trust. She always came telling me about what Ft had said about me. So i know, she cannot be trusted and i was the one who stopped her from harming the friendship of Ft and mine too. I revealed her! Ha ha... Anyway or so, i told Sally from last year that i think Meng Ci is trying to make Ft and i worst. Also i know that she was only making use of me. Though i knew it i fell into her plan for the sake of me. I was weak in my Chemistry then, i was slacking on my Principle Of Account too... So i decided that i should make use of her to motivate myself... OK. I might be deem as an idiot now... Sorry for that!
Today is teachers' day celebration! I wonder how was the show... Is it fun? How i wish to be able to go to school... My mum asked me not to go as she said that i look pale... She is afraid that i might faint half-way... Which is ridiculous to me. However she never was afraid that i might be sick till the point of fainting... So this is the first time. Moreover i was late, so i chose not to go to school. I went for a badminton game yesterday... My mum said that i was crazy... Sad... Ha ha but i do not think my condition worsen because of it ^^
Prelims are here! What are my thoughts? Em...Gosh! time really flies... I wonder 10 years down the road who will we become? I am quite scared of the future since i know nothing about it. However, i guess, all i can do is to work hard for now and when i meet my friends next time, i can proudly, standing in front of them and say "How are you?". I think i will end here today ^^
I am lazy to put in any pictures to day... Bye ^^
.Tuesday, August 26, 2008 ' 3:45 AM Y
Thanks for reading my blog. It is such a wonder why i am so blind to trust someone who do not even care about me at all. Not so much of trusting her, but putting my heart into teaching her. OK, let me explained what had happened. On 23-8-08, it was Meng Ci birthday. She celebrated it, having a party. I was not invited, however she invited Foong Ting and Zheng Yee. (She is closer to me than Zheng Yee) Great! What a fool i was to teach her whole heartily. She did quite well in principle of accounts when i teach her (almost full marks). Though she said she learnt it herself in front of others; and because i taught her in front of me. She passed her chemistry. Though not with flying colours. I would not say that i deserved all the credits but i was utterly upset by this. My mum says you just have to learn from your experience. I told her i was too stupid to learn, she said even if you are stupid, you can still learn to be good... Sigh... In another words; she thinks i am stupid.
However life is not that bad after all. This morning, i was upset by the fact that i have no target in life. I told my friend about it and my junior, Dennis, president of AVA, says that he give me a target. He says that if i scored 4 A1 in O levels, he will treat me! Well although it is impossible, i am still touched! I asked what would he treat me then? He said not too expensive, around $30? Gosh! To me it is so expensive!!! Thanks man, you rock! Anyway, my other friend, Bohan said that he would treat me if he scores 11 and below. I said never mind.(I do think it is possible for that to happen.) Yet he insisted. However i hope he can forget about it. ^^
I have to go now... I promised my little brother, to let him use the computer at 7 p.m. It is time now... I have to go. I think i had wrote quite long... My friend, do you think it is long enough? Bye ^^ Sorry that i did not put in any picture.
Time : 7.08p.m Date : 26-8-08
.Monday, August 25, 2008 ' 6:23 AM Y
OK do not be wandering too much about the title... I just mean that this might be the first and only time that i will be putting my picture here. Actually, i do not like the idea of showing others my picture perhaps i think i do not look nice? Who knows?
Yesterday, i had a conversation with my sister. I made her cried =x Sorry... She seems to strong in the outside but weak in the inside. Of course i knew it, just that i had never ever mentioned it.
Yippee!!! Today we moved to an air conditioned classroom! Ya! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARMEL! Though you would never ever read this.(I am rather sure of it!)
Sigh... Lots of things had happened lately or to be really frank this year. I do not now what had gone wrong. My life just ended up in a huge tangle mess. Rumors are spreading, people are joking. Things changed, or to say humans changes.
Stop it!!! OK... I would not nag that much as i have had enough serious talk My best friend say i give her a mysterious feeling.
She does not know what i am thinking about, she said sometimes i am like a stranger to her.
I guess the explanation is that she do not understand me?
Another friend of mine says he do not think i act like stranger to her but the other way round when she is with her other friends...
He also said that it is hard for people to guess what i am thinking as i am always hiding it...
Well my paternal mothers' birthday, was a rather boring one. First thing first, i hated this kind of event. I find it a waste of my time. Secondly, i dislike her. However when i saw how weak she becomes, i feel sorry.
Took this picture in the toilet...so ugly =(... But never mind. Only for this once. ^^
Hence everyone!!! Please stay healthy!!! Bye...
Wow...Like what my friend always says...
Please choose to treasure^^
Let's ...
Thinking zones...
Date : 25-8-08
Time : 1033
Edited : thanks to Wendell
Please listen to this song!
Recommended by Wendell ^^
D.Gray-man Musician Piano Solo
(you have to press play yourself.)
.Thursday, August 21, 2008 ' 5:43 AM Y
Trouble... I am so envy of children! However i understand perfectly about what they are thinking at the moment - being an adult is so cool. Sigh... Anyway, no use feeling jealous about that, since time cannot be rewind.
Nowadays i am still in partially studying mode. Which means i am still fooling around when it is time to get serious.
Is there anything worth mentioning about happened today? Nope. Except that i am always in terrible mood nowadays. Hate it. I get agitated really easily. Em.. ya also, i just found out today, i sleep with eyes open... It is scary right?
If only my junior were to get a chance to read this would it then be useful... Anyway, he is such a sweetheart! I used to feel that he is someone mean. However when i get to know him more, he is really someone nice. Though he really likes to complain, he will help you even if you had been bad to him.
Well i have to go now since someone is just sitting beside and eyeing every of my movement - my mum. Heck care. I was scolded just because i told her that i sleep with eyes open. She said many people are like this. However the real reason of her being mad is she wants to use the computer. Lols. So what the hell is this? Say i am doing things for reasons so does her! Thank god she is gone now. Dislike her!
Bye everyone! ^^ I will post a new entry as soon as possible^^
Date : 21-08-2008 Time : 9.09 p.m
.Wednesday, August 20, 2008 ' 7:36 AM Y
Hi minna-san.
Time limit -- 30 minutes. My mum let me use the computer till 11 p.m. Today was my big day. I went for my English oral with little confidence, ended up quite badly since i lost my fluency in the passage speaking. It was obvious that i got much more nervous when it cames to picture description.
Yet things got better in my conversation area. Hopefully i could get a slightly better marks than pass. Before i forget, hey there my friend, you got it right! I was writing my journal just now.^^
I was so upset and angry yesterday that i even was not-in-the-mood for party. I even miss eating the delicious looking cake! No appetite. Firstly, i got upset by my Math test. I did only 1/10 marks question just because i cannot prove... Wasted.
Later Bh almost fight with Zy. (After school)
He threw tables and chairs. I was shocked and angry. Not that i was worried about Bh. Is that i am worry about others too. What if he hit Willy by accident? Or Fuk Kin? Did he even think? He was angry for just a minor, tiny little quarrel. Moreover yesterday was Zy's birthday! Please... Grow up!
Done writing ^^ Bye.
Time : 2246 hour. Edited till : 2303 =(
.Saturday, August 16, 2008 ' 11:13 AM Y
Date : 17-8-08 Time Started Writing : 2.14 a.m (valentine date?) Time End : 3.45 a.m
*Please look at the images too they are really nice!!!
WeLcOmE tO mY bLoG!!!
How are you today?! Hopefully you are going to be really happy and crazy today! Well today is a nothing-special-day.. However i just would really enjoy it, to know that people are happy!
Smile is what i like to put on my face! When i am sad, i can hide my tears. When i am happy, it will just be there naturally.
Laughing is what i enjoy to do most of the time. When i am sad/pain/fear, i will hide them by laughing so hard that tears welled up in my eyes. (Like last year when i got this injection because of Ms Tan TB, i laughed so hard that tears rolled down) When i am happy/excited/crazy =.= , i would just laugh and from the bottom of my heart i feel so happy and nice!
I had a talk with my friend Wendell. (For the first time your name appear here...) Ha ha. In msn, we were talking about a lot of things.. He knows quite a lot about me because we often sms and he reads my blog.
(I tell him things that i would not say to my parents but i also did tell other friends too. Some no, of course.) Yeah.. My friend, you do understand me a bit more than others. I really wondered when did we become good friends? (You are one of my best friend!) (I even tell you who i like =.=) Yet thank you! Thank you very much for being my friend!
This One Suits Him...
Anyway, we talked about trust issues not long ago (half-an-hour earlier).
Really. From what i had seen, heard and know of, people cannot be trusted.
However what ever i know or think, i would not follow them.
As towards relationships, be it friendship or BGR, i trust nothing but my feelings.
At the very least this is what i believe in for now.
I had a small conversation with Mum just now (16-8-08.9++ p.m ) I told her i do not think i can get "A1" for Chinese. She just listened. I asked "why don't you say anything?" She replied "what can i say when you have no confidence in yourself?" I do not even know what i wanted her to say... Maybe i wished that she could give me some encouragement.
.Friday, August 15, 2008 ' 9:14 AM Y
Like the last post, i do not really know what to write. I am getting a bit sick and tired of hiding all my emotions in my heart. However at the same time i get more use to it and sometimes i just did that without myself knowing.
Me...
Who can i really trust? No one. This is the answer you will get if i let out my true self. Sometimes people just make you think and know how small you really are. Because of imperfection, we have emotions. Whenever i look into the mirror, i saw the same eyes looking straight into mine. I looked into hers', but i had no clues at all of what she is thinking.
Remember about my "O" level Chinese result? "B4." Previously, i had gotten back my Math and Principle Of Accounts as well. Both a "B3". To a lot of people who had not sat for the "O" levels, think that my result are already good enough. However to those people who sat for "O" levels, they know it is a rather difficult and sad situation.
I remembered that particular day clearly. Everyone who sat for the exam were waiting anxiously for their 'fate' to be announced. I seat among them. Soon i was being called upon to receive my grades. Miss Lim and Miss Tay gave me my result without saying any words. I took it over and sadly, 2 "B3" is what was printed on it. Due to curiosity people came to ask for my result. I fought hard to plaster a smile on my face.. They gave the "oh i see" face and went on to ask others. I was sad by the truth no one cares.
Unlike me, Ft got 2 "A1".. Many people went over to congratulate her. I was left at a corner, looking at them laugh. I was out of the picture. Then Ft was being asked to meet the Vice Principal. I waited for her outside the General Office. Thinking about what i can do to keep my smile, stopping it from fading into an 'n' shape.
I waited and waited, for more than 15 minutes before i decided to leave. It was until the next day did i knew that she was in the hall all the time talking to others. That day i went home with a heavy heart. I wanted to cry out but i knew i can't.
I heard from others that Zy cried. He said "At first i was only disappointed with my result but when all the people came asking for my result and asked me not to be sad, showing their care and concern for me, i can't hold back anymore" Seriously, i was so envy of that as no one asked me to cheer up. All they had said was "oh" and went off. Not even Ft said any words. (Even though she meant well by trying not to touch my wounds, i felt as though she had poured salt onto it instead.)
I was also envious of the happy nature of Ft too. She is well-liked by so many people. She talks to anyone and most of the time i can only listen to their conversation.. As Ft seat beside me most of the time in class, i was always in their conversation, playing the dumb role. They laughed, i smiled. They joked, i hear. They talked, i listened. That is a fun role. (how sarcastic)
"Can i cry?" "No." "Why?" "Because i hate you. "
Ha ha. Really. I am not a kind-hearted girl. I am selfish and wicked and i really hate this part of me. I am just a great pretender. Don't ever be fooled by me -^^-
I always said i wish for nothing when i do things. Bullshit. I wished people would care just a little bit more for me.
How i wish someone would say this to me..
Sad things are what you expect when you had been really depressed and had, had enough of every single thing that might just happen.
Someday things will just get better without you realising it.. So just smile and let your trouble vanished into thin air.^^
CooL!
Hope You Can Declare That...
Also...
Attention Please!!!
JoKe =.=
I Agree That...
The LOVE-D OneY
♥ Twinkle ' address her by this
♥ a secret ' her b'dae
Singapore Poly ' her school
CravingsY
be with him 4ever =x
Lastinq mmrs
Everyone to be happy xD
